Dannie's Poetry

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This is a collection of Dannie's poetry and prose written over the past several years as therapy for her

I am scared…of so many things. I began with only spiders to fear, and now the list grows inflated to a level one would hope didn't exist. I ask questions I never dreamed I would ponder the answers of. I thought I'd never have to…why worry? I'm invincible and holy. Now I wonder about frightening morbid things…"how?" and" what If?" And "why this?" I don't fear dying, just not yet, just not this way. I fear I'm losing priceless time and moments filled with love and laughter and all that is Hallmark. I ask God "why did I have to get sick? Is this some form of lesson or punishment? Do I deserve this?" I'm scared of being forgotten, of wasting away in this room, in the dark, alone. I wonder why anyone would like me now…I'm not surprised I have few friends. I question whether or not I am curable, and if all the words doctors feed me are lies. I give God an ultimatum (no one ever said that was against the rules)…let me live and live well; keep me in -- or let me go; take me out. Now I wait for an explosion, a change of magnificent proportions. An answer has to be somewhere close, right? I'm scared of losing the fiery passion I came into this world with. I am almost sure my persistence and fight are fading. Can I be revived? And if I had stopped trying and pushing years ago would I still be alive?

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I prayed for my soul, handing it over again
I prayed for us and for our hearts to mend
I asked for deliverance from these evils
From our enemies – visable and invisible
I pleaded for reassurance of His word and His promise
And He answered
I cried for the pain that we have suffered
The days that we have lost
And that love would pull us over
the mountains and past the fights that we have fought

I will count my blessings now
And have no shame in my tears
Holding on to the faith that God has given me purpose here

Some one once said "running only slows you down"
So I wait, patience fleeting but not all yet dissolved
Some one once said "don't let the world drag you around"
So I stand, though faint, holding my ground

That never ending game of "what if" floats around the corners of life
In my peripheral view, in the back of the room
I think, what if this isn't it?
What if things could get better?
What if I was well, with a sound mind
and my wounds were sown up forever?
If my smiles and laughter were genuine
and never had to be "put on" again,
if I didn't have to pretend?
What if I could start over
and have a happily ever after?
What if I was still everything
and still had all I did before
somewhere inside of me stored?
What if I could change someone--
Myself.
If I could breathe, relax
and heal
What if I found out it's not such a
bad thing to feel?